Can you imagine going through all the trouble of cheating on your girlfriend–changing your mistress’s name in your phone, find time, lie to your girlfriend, lie to your side-piece, remember both lies, explain to your girlfriend why your Johnson smells like a Times Square sidewalk in July–only to get outed by a goddamn FitBit.
*Chazz Reinhold GIF* WHAT AN IDIOT!
So anyone on Twitter this week was reminded that humanity is just prep school monkeys throwing bananas at each other when the world engaged in an impassioned argument about the substance and implications of gifting your significant other a stationary bike. Real important stuff that will certainly combat the aliens at Area 51 doing two-a-days in preparation for battle.
In response to a man posting a photo of a Tiffany’s jewelry bag to avoid the “Is iT BeCaUsE I’m FaAaAt” talk with his wife, Sports Illustrated’s Albert Breer used his blue checkmark, which gives you the infallible superpower of thinking you’re take is the best take about everything, to remind us that his wife still fucks him.
— Albert Breer (@AlbertBreer) December 4, 2019
Enter: NFL Network’s Jane Slater.
That’s her there with Pau Gasol.
Slater’s workout-centric gift from her now-ex ended in no sex. At least for her.
— Jane Slater (@SlaterNFL) December 5, 2019
— Jane Slater (@SlaterNFL) December 5, 2019
How many dudes do you think are sliding into Slater’s DMs with the “You deserve better!” hail marys? You’re taking infinity? K, I’ll take the over.
P.S. I would read binge-read this book, and the last book I read was Cat in the Hat.
— Jane Slater (@SlaterNFL) December 5, 2019
We accept the love we think we deserve.
