Where’s Kong’s Dong?

The time? 9:57 a.m. EST. The date? Tuesday, November 26, 2021 (R.I.P., Kobe, can’t believe it’s been a year). The place? My bed (sorry, boss, still drinking coffee and watching SportsCenter)! And my mind? Ah, you see, my mind is somewhere else entirely, specifically, Skull Island, the home of King Kong.

Over the weekend, Warner Bros. released the first trailer for Godzilla vs. Kong, which played more like a pre-UFC hype video than it did a movie trailer, especially when compared to the

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of the first two Godzilla trailers. Does it effectively convey its message, a message that you’ll be able to turn your brain off for two hours as you watch two legendary kaiju beat each other up before eventually teaming up to defeat a greater evil (because of course they will)? Of course! But the action-packed epicness of these two titans facing off was far from the forefront of my thoughts when the trailer faded to black. No, instead, I had but one question echoing through my consciousness… where’s Kong’s dong?

I’m totally aware that these movies need to be palatable for children, but Godzilla vs. Kong is rated PG-13 and features 300-feet-tall monsters committing what amounts to unbiased genocide as they tear through city streets whilst puny humanity shrieks in terror as they run for their lives. Pretty sure if you’re old enough for that, then you’re old enough to wrap your head around the fact that Kong, who’s as tall as a fucking skyscraper these days, probably has a dong the size of a couple of New York City subway cars. Forget about Kong and his fists or that sweet lookin’ ax (or whatever) he appears to be wielding in the trailer: his dong alone would be enough to cause absolute societal ruin. Once that thing gets a pendulum swing goin’, not a building nor a street would be safe.

Imagine being Godzilla, who’s likely already dealing with crippling self-consciousness over the size of his arms, seeing Kong swingin’ dong as they’re going to touch gloves at the center of the Octagon? The mental battle is just as crucial as the physical one, and Kong is being deprived of a significant psychological edge due to his lack of dong. We’re talking about the apex predator here: how do you explain that Earth’s most elite alpha is packing the heat as Barbie’s boyfriend Ken? It’s unconscionable.

We’re getting The Snyder Cut of Justice League and there are rumors that a “butthole cut” of Cats exists, so damn it, given us as King Kong Dong cut of Godzilla vs. Kong.

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