Over the past year or so the ‘Yoni Massage’ has become a legitimate form of massage, with women paying anywhere between $200-$330 for hour-long massage sessions in which a stranger rubs them down and flicks their buttons until some sort of release is achieved. We covered the rise of the ‘vagina massage’ trend here on BroBible back in March, but a ‘journalist’ with The Sun one upped us and went to get a vagina massage herself, shelling out $330 for an hour long erotic vagina rub, and she blogged about the entire ordeal.
At best, what this journalist put on paper is shitty softcore porn that wouldn’t even make it in the Penthouse stories section, at worst though this chick just blasted herself paying for prostitution, even though the ‘Yoni Massage’ is 100% legal. Below are some excerpts from this woman’s firsthand account of an erotic vagina massage, and I don’t at all feel guilty about using these excerpts because The Sun is one of the British tabloid sites that stole my ‘Fish Bra‘ article concept from last week and provided zero attribution of where they got the concept from.
via NYPost:
Yoni is the Sanskrit word for vagina and means “sacred space”.
The idea of the massage is to release physical and emotional blockages and free sexual energy to enable the recipient to become more in tune with her body.
Some women experience an orgasm but that isn’t the goal.
So ‘orgasm’ isn’t the goal but release of sexual energy is? This doesn’t compute, because pent up sexual energy is why people are getting the massage in the first place, and without that orgasm ‘release’ that blockade of supposed energy would just get worse. I’m guessing this vague goal of the Yoni Massage is how they get away with it being legal instead of prostitution, which it really is.
All of its masseurs are women and the one assigned to me was 28-year-old yoni expert Lisa*.
Before the main event takes place, she tells me: “An ordinary massage is about releasing the muscles. A sensual massage like yoni is about awakening the body and seeing what’s there to enable pleasure.”
Donning her white overcoat and black trousers, Lisa sets about creating the right ambience for my massage, which involved dimming the lights, lighting aromatic candles and putting on soothing music.
Why do I have this song from The Simpsons stuck in my head now? Lisa it’s your birthday, Happy Birthday Lisa!
We begin with an undressing ceremony.
I stand with my eyes closed, feeling awkward as Lisa lifts off my baggy T-shirt and peels down my underwear while breathing heavily on my neck.
It’s strange being undressed by a woman — the last time that happened was when my best friend put me to bed after I overdid it on a drunken night out.
This is reading like the opening of the world’s shittiest erotic novel, is it not? I get that whoever paid this ‘journalist’ to get her button flicked wanted the content to be salacious, but they’re not even making any attempts to hide the fact that it’s a straight up sexual encounter, and thus (in my mind) prostitution because she paid for it.
Now here’s where things get hot:
She works her way up the back of my legs and I start to feel blissfully relaxed when suddenly I feel a hand slip between my buttocks.
OK, now this doesn’t feel so ordinary. Lisa proceeds to slide her palms up and down the backs of my thighs, gradually edging towards the gap between my legs.
I squirm a little but she tells me to breathe deeply and focus on the feeling — and it works.
By the time she’s moved her hands to the front of my crotch, I’m so relaxed she could have massaged me with a Brillo pad and I wouldn’t have noticed.
And that’s where all of the sexy stuff stops, because the woman then goes on to describe how it was more blissful than sexual, which I don’t buy for one second:
Even when Lisa asks me to turn over and works her hands down from my belly to my privates, I feel caressed rather than sexed-up. None of it feels intrusive at all.
She softly presses a cupped palm on to my nethers and makes circular motions to “get the blood flowing”, using her hands, fingers and even her breath to warm, soothe and knead.
I am surprised to find that, instead of becoming aroused, I just feel tingly and blissful all over.
Not all physical pleasure can be categorized as ‘sexual arousal’. Arousal can come in the form of any reaction the body has, but I’m still not buying this account. The woman is all about being focused on the feeling of HAVING HER FUCKING VAGINA MASSAGED but is trying to play this off like it wasn’t sexual?! Is she some sort of patsy working for the underground Vagina Massage Cartel, using her faux journalism to try and make people believe that these Yoni Massages aren’t prostitution and thus should remain legal?? Was there some back alley kickback from a vag rubbing lobbyist keen on boosting sales in the button flicking business? Things just don’t add up.
Moving on…if the excerpts above weren’t enough and you want to read the entire firsthand account then you can CLICK HERE to head on over to the New York Post.
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