Back in May, I created a phony Twitter profile for Dr. Anthony Fauci (@DrTonyFauci). I made the profile for the sole purpose of including an authentic-looking tweet in a post I wrote titled, ‘Dr. Fauci’s Daily Routine Now That He’s Been Cucked By The George Floyd Protests,’ which by all standards was received quite well.
I planned on deleting the account after I got what I wanted for the post, so I didn’t put much brainpower into the profile optics.
I only followed one person, but I made sure it was another member of the medical community for credibility sake.
I woke up the following morning, mindlessly logged onto Twitter, and found that I had been tagged more than a chubby kid playing manhunt. People from all over the country were either treating me like their last beacon of hope or telling me to social distance myself off a bridge. There was no in between.
Scrolling through the countless comments, I became empowered to channel my inner Dr. Fauci and be the mouthpiece for a man who is too damn old to defend himself against the barbed wire thrown his (my?) way. I was taught to respect my elders, especially when the fate of the world is on the line.
These are just a few of my digital opponents.
NANCY
Projected Measurables:
Age: 56
Job: Professional Planned Parenthood Protester
Favorite Rapper: “I don’t listen to any of that racket”
Infectious Disease Experience: Struggles with psoriasis.
— Dr. Anthony Fauci (@DrTonyFauci) July 14, 2020
— Dr. Anthony Fauci (@DrTonyFauci) July 24, 2020
CHUCK
Projected Measurables:
Age: 48
Vehicle: Raised 2001 Ford F-150 with a pair of truck nuts hanging beneath the license plate.
Regrettable tattoos: 3
Infectious Disease Experience: Contracted Chlamydia after the Daughtry concert in 2005
— Dr. Anthony Fauci (@DrTonyFauci) July 14, 2020
ADMAGNUM
Projected Measurables:
Could be a bot.
— Dr. Anthony Fauci (@DrTonyFauci) July 17, 2020
PEGGY
Projected Measurables:
Age: 53
Sex: Not since her third husband passed
Favorite food: Mayo
Infectious Disease Experience: Anything can be cured through the power of Jesus.
— Dr. Anthony Fauci (@DrTonyFauci) July 16, 2020
GREG
Projected Measurables:
Age: 72
Quote to live by: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams.”
— Dr. Anthony Fauci (@DrTonyFauci) July 14, 2020
STREETER
In response to the news of Fauci throwing out the first pitch at the Nats game.
— Dr. Anthony Fauci (@DrTonyFauci) July 20, 2020
SONNY
Projected Measurables:
Age: 18
Infectious Disease Experience: Joe Rogan Experience listener
— Dr. Anthony Fauci (@DrTonyFauci) July 24, 2020
DIM SUM
Projected Measurables:
Extremely gullible.
— Dr. Anthony Fauci (@DrTonyFauci) July 24, 2020
DIANE
Projected Measurables:
Age: 63
Proudest Achievement: Graduate of the Class of 1967
Infectious Disease Experience: No, but was the vice president of Yearbook Committee
— Dr. Anthony Fauci (@DrTonyFauci) July 24, 2020
DONNA
Projected Measurables:
Age: 41
Profession: Therapist, hopefully.
— Dr. Anthony Fauci (@DrTonyFauci) July 24, 2020
Aaaand while I’m here, I may as well shoot my shot.
SHEILA
— Dr. Anthony Fauci (@DrTonyFauci) July 16, 2020
Now, please give Sheila and I some privacy.
