I don’t care if you’re Peter North or Peter Dinklage, the first sexual encounter with someone brings about a rush of emotions and introspective thinking–Will she laugh when I whip it out? I don’t want to take my shirt off. Will my chronic masturbation habit prohibit me from getting it up? If you start to feel it coming on, just think of your grandmother’s knees.
These thoughts can be debilitating for even the most seasoned of sexual species. But one thing that we can all find solace in is that we are not alone. We all have self-doubt and growing bitch tits, so hearing others openly express their pre-sex trepidation can be not only helpful, but therapeutic.
When Redditor dannyjayes1 presented the following question to the Ask Reddit forum, thousands of people responded.
What is the thing that scares you the most when about to have sex with someone for the first time?
Here are the best responses and the italics is my advice, which no one asked for.
wakka-wakka-wakka:
The fear that once I get naked there will be a noticeable look of disappointment in my partner.
Pro Tip: Before sex, go in the bathroom and bang out 28 pushups–it’s impact for 15 minutes is equivalent to two hard weeks in the gym. Trust.
livercookies:
That I’ll end up really liking them, and then they never call me again. If they ghost me before sex I don’t care, but after sex it’s a huge blow to the ego.
Find out their address and stalk them until they like you. Or the state orders a restraining order.
ruffkillahkess:
On the bright side, if you fart, you can always blame it on a queef. Glass half full.
jesterb00m:
Someone is always someones worst lay ever.
I’m fairly sure I’m dammed good at this sex thing but that first time with a new partner I’m doing some Hercules and the 50 shades of art of war type shit to make sure I’m not at the bottom of that list.
I suggest banging on your chest like Tarzan and howling like a possessed wolf. Chicks love animalistic tendencies.
Bigbodypresence:
That the chemistry is off. Maybe you’re confident, but she’s too nervous to even move. Maybe you’re inexperienced but she’s experienced. Maybe you’re drunk but she’s not as drunk. When things start contrasting that’s when it doesn’t go smoothly and can feel awkward.
Please let WtotheSLAM translate this rhetoric for you.
When she’s a level 9 druid and you cast level 76 fuck of the infinite with your advanced mage powers.
There is nothing left to be said here.
aylandgirl:
I have this irrational fear of being taped on a hidden camera.
Smile!
LeeBlackLabel:
As a grower I make sure I’m fully ready before she sees it for the first time.
Just like you never see the bride before you’re standing at the alter, you never see the hog before it’s got ninety percent of your bodies blood running through it.
-Redhead-:
Don’t fart. Don’t fart. Don’t fart. Please don’t.
There are very few moments in any given day when this isn’t running through my head.
darthliki:
The first time my asshole ex bf saw me naked he said “your pussy is weird.” I now know that it’s totally not and that he’s just an idiot with no filter, but now I have a fear of new partners seeing my bits for the first time. The same idiot was lazy and always said it took too long to get me off, so with new partners I’m always insecure and worried that he’s getting tired or frustrated with how long I’m taking.
Sometimes all it takes is one moron to fuck up your sexual confidence.
How could that dude possibly call you pussy weird when that is undoubtedly the first one he’s ever laid eyes on? Fake news.
[h/t Reddit]
