Water Cooler Talking Point: “If MoviePass was smart, which they haven’t proven to be thus far, they’d play up the nostalgia factor and bring back the Moviefone hotline. Sadly, 777-FILM was shut down 4 years ago.”
Instacart, the online grocery delivery service has raised another $150M during a funding round headed by Coatue Management, bringing this year’s total to $350M.
As things currently stand, Instacart is valued at around $4.35B. Last year, Instacart raised $400M, which according to many reports, still remains untouched. What will they do with all that money?
Well, I’m glad you asked. The Uber of grocery runs plans to invest further in new products and services. Ideally, they are looking to replace their partnership with Whole Foods … because, Amazon. A likely candidate is a family owned business you may have heard of … which rhymes with “Ball dart.”
Water Cooler Talking Point: “Nothing says “first world” quite like one of the most valuable startups in the country being a company whose sole purpose is to buy groceries for people too lazy to go shopping for the one thing on this earth that keeps them alive.”
Pet food makers have helicopter “hoomans” to thank for their massive paydays. On the heels of General Mills $8B acquisition of Blue Buffalo, JM Smucker will buy Ainsworth Pet Nutrition for roughly $1.7B.
Ainsworth has been a very good boy as of late courting Rachael Ray in a licensing agreement for her Nutrish brand of pet food.
JM Smucker is best known for their eponymous jams but also holds well-known brands such as Jif and Pillsbury in their portfolio which generated $370M in revenue last year.
The move comes as other processed food juggernauts such as Nestle, Mars, and Cargill have moved to diversify their offerings beyond human sustenance as the $30B pet food market continues to grow.
Water Cooler Talking Point: “If the pet food business is so lucrative, how come every Petsmart looks like a post-apocalyptic Walmart filled with ITT Tech dropouts?”
Why we’re lazy: There are two reasons people are busy: 1) You’re in high demand because you snap necks and cash checks 2) You suck at your job. Wearing your busy-ness as a badge of honor looks about as good as that company branded knock-off Patagonia vest.
Why we don’t have one of those incredibly lucrative Investment Banking jobs: Emails like this.
How to tell if your sketchy coworker is lying: If Jeff keeps calling out for “medical” reasons and you get stuck doing all the work, run his behavior through this checklist before you decide to go to HR. But either way, definitely send passive aggressive responses to his emails.
What we’re Mastering instead of our Excel skills: Love him or hate him, Tiger Woods returning to the Masters is really, really good for the sport. We’re talking Gilmore, Happy numbers.
